Single.
I am devastated by the amount of time I have let this one word descriptor occupy my thoughts and words and actions. Since the day my mother died when I was twelve, one of my biggest struggles (besides not waking up to my alarm and my love of procrastinating) has been with one big ole' ugly word: LONELINESS.
I could talk for days about how silly I feel for feeling lonely
How I am surrounded on every side by people who love me
How I have more friends than I can reasonably stay in touch with sometimes
How no one person, no matter how nice his forearms or how good a kisser, is the one line answer to my pervasive fear
That my love will always be returned unopened,
That I will always occupy the line between too much and not enough.
I am plagued by a narrative which, as much as I hate to admit it, has largely been written by myself. It goes something like this:
"You are still single because something is wrong with you. You're broken. Unwanted. Unused. Chilling on the island of misfit toys. Every year that ticks by without getting kissed, or going on dates, or checking the "In a Relationship" box on Facebook, or putting three heart emojis next to someone's name in your phone, lowers your value as a girlfriend, wife, lover, etc. etc."
Yeah, it sounds pretty silly when I type it out. So, this is me officially UNSUBSCRIBING from the narrative that "still single" is metaphorically tattooed in big red letters on my forehead. This is me declaring that it is absolutely, positively okay to wish I wasn't single. Longing for intimacy and partnership doesn't make me weak. Literally just longing for someone with a little bit of body heat on a cold day doesn't make me weak.
This is me shouting from the rooftop that God isn't making me wait as some sort of weird punishment. Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it won't happen someday. I am not contractually obligated to feel sorry for myself, so I am going to do my best to stop feeling so darn sorry for myself.
Please don't misunderstand. This is not be signing up for a lifetime of celibacy or declaring that dating is wrong. If you are choosing to be single for this period of your life, AWESOME. That isn't my choice though. If someone comes along in the near future, AWESOME! If not, okay. All I am choosing is to work hard to shut out the negative voices in my head that scream of hopelessness and to focus on making the absolute most of this chapter in my life. It might not be what I would have chosen, but this is definitively where I am.
God does really amazing things in the quiet and unassuming moments in our lives. I know the desire in my heart to get married and build a family was not put there to be squashed or ignored.
So yeah, I don't have a lot of experience in the dating department. However, I cook a mean stir fry, have a very high projected earning potential, and believe that unconditional love is the meaning of life. So, I would say that I am still quite a catch.
Love,
Kat
"I am sure that God keeps no one waiting unless he sees that it is good for him to wait." - CS Lewis
"There is something wonderfully sacred that happens when a girl chooses to realize that being set aside is actually God’s call for her to be set apart." - Lysa TerKeurst